To my trans brothers,
For the majority of my life I’ve been focused on navigating my gender. As I got older and gained a higher level of self-awareness, I had the sudden realisation that I had paid no attention to any other aspect of my life.
I put all my energy into trying to become happy with who I was, to the point that I never unpacked my sexuality or my sexual pleasures. But now, I’ve come to this conclusion… I am a very proud pansexual, not-so-sure-I-believe-in-monogamy transman.
I spent so long questioning and understanding my gender that I failed to explore my sexuality.
I was solely attracted to women until I turned 22. At the time I was questioning my purpose, my strength and my entire existence – somewhat of a quarter-life crisis. My mum, my best friend, my heart and soul passed away from end-stage alcohol abuse, my childhood dog Lulu was next to go, shortly followed by my dad losing his fight to cancer all within the space of 6 months. I was broken, stripped bare of everything that I knew life to be. I needed a fresh start, and a new experience, so I planned a trip aboard.
I had been speaking to this lovely guy from America. I saw him as a business contact at first (on reflection… I played myself) but there was something about him I just really enjoyed. Before I knew it, I was in Houston Texas experiencing not only a new country but my new found sexual attraction to a man.
I found comfort in the fact that nobody knew me there, I was free to explore myself without the judgement of my family and friends. Being 5000 miles away gave me space to emotionally process this new part of my identity and figure out how I was going to come out – again!