Home Features What’s Your After Sex Self Care Routine?

What's Your After Sex Self Care Routine?

Imagine that you’ve just had sex. What do you want to do next? Are you a stay in bed, cuddle and fall asleep type of person? Do you dissect what did and didn’t go so well? Maybe after sex you like to get a cup of tea and discuss the meaning of life, whether aliens exist, and how electricity actually works with your partner(s).

What is after sex care? Usually associated with the kink community, aftercare is, as the name suggests, how you and your partner(s) care for your own and each other’s physical and emotional needs after having sex. 

“Everyone has their own sex aftercare,” says Sofie Roos**, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist. “I like to lay in the bed with my girlfriend after sex for quite a long time, up to 30 minutes. We generally don’t speak much, and don’t move out of the position we just had sex in, but just lay there and feel our bodies wind-down and our hormones releasing, mainly the oxytocin that makes us feel calm and safe and the endorphins that makes us feel happy and satisfied. That feeling is almost better than the sex itself! When I leave the bed, I like to take a hot shower to “leave” the sex behind.”

Photo by Mahrael Boutros on Unsplash
Photo by Mahrael Boutros on Unsplash

You deserve respect after sex

Let’s picture another scenario. You’ve just had sex, and your partner rolls over and falls asleep, mouth open and snoring away. Or perhaps they open their phone and start scrolling like you’ve ceased to exist. Or maybe they get up and shower (or go home) straight afterwards. Whether it’s a one night stand or a long term marriage, it matters how people treat you after sex.

Why sexual aftercare matters

Whether you’re dressed to the gills in latex with a proud whip collection or having missionary on a Tuesday evening, after sex care can be a wonderful way to connect with your partner, come back to yourself, soak up some feel good hormones, and take a moment before heading back into regular life.  

“Aftercare is a concept taken from the BDSM world as a way to ease out of the more extreme states of dominance or submission, and while it’s a vital part of BDSM play, I also think it has a place in every sexual encounter,” says Isabelle Uren**, Certified Sex Expert, Site Manager, and Writer at Bedbible.

Photo by Hana El Zohiry on Unsplash
Photo by Hana El Zohiry on Unsplash

“Aftercare isn’t just about addressing physical concerns, it’s about tending to your partner’s mental and emotional state too,” adds Dr. Holly Wood**, PhD, AASECT Sex Therapist & Sexologist at Bedbible

“Some ways to address this are to have a debrief about how the sexual experience was: what you enjoyed, what was desired in the act, how that was received and interpreted, and how things may be changed or incorporated in the next session. Other comforting things, like cuddling or pampering each other after play, giving a nice massage, kissing, showering together (or alone if that feels better), and most of all, asking your partner how they would like to receive aftercare. Aftercare needs look different for everyone, and your partner may not like to receive aftercare in the same way you do. ”

What can a sexual aftercare routine look like?

“When people ask me about how to have aftercare, I generally break it down to two phases, and two needs,” says Sofie Roos. “The Immediate Phase: This happens right after sex. Some people like to go and pee (extra important after intercourse), and others like to go on their phone, watch a series or just lay still and talk with their partner, listen to a song or don’t say anything at all.”

“The Transition Phase: This bridges the gap between the intimate experience and everyday life. Most people like to have a routine here that makes them leave the sex mentally. It can be anything from taking a shower or going for a walk as I like, to preparing a meal or putting on new clothing.”

“With a partner, my go-to’s are a good snuggle and just taking a minute for the sensations and emotions to settle in our bodies,” adds Isabelle. “Or if things got too hot, just lying down and holding hands with the window open or fan on! The satisfaction of a cool breeze on my skin after getting hot and sweaty is truly magical! I find a little eye contact and a kiss is a great way to connect and show appreciation for each other after sex as well.”

Everyone is different, and what one person needs after sex might make another person scuttle away. There’s no right or wrong answers here: it’s all about checking in with yourself and with your partner(s), seeing what you and your partners want, and finding ways to enhance everyone’s experience. 

How to discuss after sex care with your partner(s)

As well as asking your partner(s) what they need, it’s important to be open about what you need – which involves figuring out what that is! If you’re not sure what sexual aftercare looks like to you, try journalling, creating a mind map, or exploring different things and seeing what resonates. You may also want different forms of aftercare with different partners, because the dynamics in one relationship don’t always mimic another.

When discussing what you and your partner(s) need, you should be open to listening to them and strive to understand why they want what they want. “Some tips for people negotiating aftercare with a partner include being open and honest about your needs and expectations, being respectful of your partner’s needs and expectations, and to communicate openly and honestly throughout the process,” says Dr Holly Wood.

“Needs change and that’s ok. It’s important to be willing to share if your aftercare needs have changed and adjust your expectations as needed. It is helpful to remember that aftercare is a personal thing and what works for one person may not work for another. If you are not sure what your partner’s needs are, it is important to ask them. It is also important to be willing to compromise. Aftercare is not always about getting what you want, but about meeting each other’s needs in a way that is mutually satisfying.”

Photo by Erke Rysdauletov on Unsplash
Photo by Erke Rysdauletov on Unsplash

What about your own after sex self care routine?

As well as having a shared after sex routine, there are also things you can do for yourself. For people prone to urinary tract infections, the first step in their after sex self care routine may be making sure they get up to pee. Sex can move bacteria from the partner, the vagina, or the anus to the urethra, which can make UTI’s more likely. Peeing after sex helps flush this bacteria away.

Drinking some water, having a shower, dropping into your body and feeling into the afterglow, or whatever else you feel like you need can be a great way to take care of yourself after sex.

A nice time to start figuring out what after sex self care looks like to you is following solo sex. You might not think you need aftercare for masturbation, but it can be nice to drop into your body, feel into your experience and find ways to take better care of yourself. 

“For solo sex, I also try to give myself time to let my orgasm settle and notice what I’m feeling in my body before jumping and getting on with my day,” says Isabelle. “For me, lying still and taking a few calm breaths lets the pleasure slowly taper out rather than being cut off abruptly. It also helps me feel the relaxation that comes with a good orgasm in the rest of my body! I would be lying if I said I do this every time, but every time I do it, I really appreciate it!”

When you orgasm, your body releases large amounts of the hormone oxytocin and neurotransmitter dopamine, both of which can feel really nice! On the flip side, these levels decrease after sex, which could result in a dip in energy and mood. It can be helpful to explore how you respond to post sex dips and discover what you need in those moments.

Sometimes, your contraception fails after sex. Maybe you realise that you missed your pill, or that the condom broke. Perhaps you didn’t use contraception. If you’ve had unprotected sex and you want to try and avoid an unplanned pregnancy, ellaOne®, the UK’s best selling morning after pill*,  is here for the moments after unprotected sex. 

ellaOne® helps prevent pregnancy after unprotected sex or contraceptive failure by delaying ovulation, so no egg is released and any sperm that has gotten into the body won’t have anything to fuse with. ellaOne® can be effective up to 5 days (120 hours) after unprotected sex, but it is most effective when used ASAP.

Sex happens, and accidents can happen. If unprotected sex happens, ellaOne® is there for you after.

ellaOne® 30mg film-coated tablet contains ulipristal acetate and is indicated for emergency contraception within 120 hours (5 days) of unprotected sexual intercourse or contraceptive failure. Always read the label.

*Verify at ellaone.co.uk/verify 

**The people in this article do not endorse any products or brands.